Just for Laughs

If you want to excape the stressful reality and put a smile on your face from time to time follow this page frequently as it will grow like a weed.  There are a ton of good jokes out there and they will be posted on this page as I receive them.  For the serious type don't bother visiting this page because it will be everything but serious.

Send me your jokes by e-mail and I will see that they are posted here.....Have fun.

Disclaimer:  The intent of this page and its contents are not intended to offend anyone.  This page is strictly intended to provide you with an avenue of excaping reality for a short period of time and having fun.  For the most part all the posts on this page are as received.  Remember they are just jokes and do not represent the Websites opinion of the subject mater.  If you are truly offended by any of the content, contact me by e-mail and I will consider its removal from the site.

Senile

 An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple 
 had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old 
 neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands they walked back to their 
 old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd 
 shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
  
 On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an  armored car, 
 practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up,  but not sure 
 what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--
 fifty-thousand dollars.  Andy said, "We've got to give it back."  Sally said, 
 "Finders keepers."

 
 She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 
  
 The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for 
 the money, and knocked on the door.  "Pardon me, but did either of you find 
 a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
  
 Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."  Sally 
 said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."  The agents turn to Andy and 
 began to question him.  One says:  "Tell us the story from the beginning"  
 Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school 
 yesterday."
  
 The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Stimulus Bill  
  
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics 
professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you 
explain it to me?"
  
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, 
but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my 
weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
  
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's 
house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his 
backyard pool.  They both went out back to the pool, and the professor 
handed the student a bucket. 
Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over 
to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." 
The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and 
then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was 
naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more 
times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the 
shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but 
figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, 
the student began to become worried that his economics professor had 
gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting 
valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when 
this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, 
so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could 
have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, 
"Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
 
 
 The Purina Diet 
 
Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, 
for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. 
I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 
What did she think, that I had an elephant?  
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have 
a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably 
shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side 
though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward 
with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. 
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it 
works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or 
two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete 
so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically 
everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)  
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food 
had poisoned me. 
I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt 
and a car hit me.  
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was 
laughing so hard! 
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
 
 
Politicians easiest
to operate on.
  
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the
Best patients to operate on.   The first surgeon, from New
York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating  table, 
because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.'   The second, from Chicago, responds,
'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.'   The third surgeon, from
Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You
know, I like construction workers...those guys always
understand when you have a few parts left over.'   But
the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up
when he observed:   'You're all wrong. Politicians
are the easiest to Operate on.  There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and
the ass are interchangeable!
 
 
Dad At The Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92). 
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.  I noticed he
was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair
in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring
at him. The teenager would look and find my dad staring every time.
  
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
  
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn't
choke on his response - knowing he would have a good one. 
In classic style, not batting an eye, he said:  'Got drunk once, and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.' 
 
 
Old Classmate   
 
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own ageand 
thinking, surely I can't look that old?
Well you'll love this one. 
My name is Alice smith and I was setting in the waiting room for 
my first appointment with a new dentist. 
I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I 
remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name 
had been in my high school class some 30 odd years ago. 
  
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back 
then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such 
thought.  This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face 
was way too old to have been my classmate. 
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan 
Park High School. 
  
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm A Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.  
'When did you graduate' I asked. 
  
He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?' 
  
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. 
  
He looked at me closely. 
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass gray haired decrepit son 
of a bitch asked: 
  
'What did you teach?' 
 
 
Bless Me Father   
 
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.  
The priest asks, 'is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'  
'Yes, Father, it is.'  
'And who was the girl you were with?'  
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'  
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you 
may as well tell me now.  
Was it Tina Minetti?' 
'I cannot say.'  
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'  
'I'll never tell.'  
'Was it Nina Capelli?'  
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'  
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'  
'My lips are sealed.'  
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'  
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey 
Pagano, and I admire that. 
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar 
boy now for 4 months. 
Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco 
slides over and whispers, ‘what'd you get?'   
Joey replied '4 months vacation and five good leads.'
 
 
 Banned From Wal-Mart
 
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips 
to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring 
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife 
is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife
received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a 
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have
been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints 
against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our 
video surveillance cameras.
   
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute 
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's 
on layaway.
 
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other 
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets 
from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a 
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he 
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' 
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, 
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, 
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'Oh no! It's those voices again'
And last, but not least...
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and 
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!' 
 
 
Bail Em Out 
 
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch 
 brothel in Nevada  for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried 
 to run it. They failed and it closed.  
  Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking 
 system to the same Nit-wits who couldn't make money running a 
whore house and whiskey....
 
 
The Best Smart Ass 
Answers of 2008!! 
 

  
SMART ASS ANSWER #6

  
It was mealtime during an airline flight.  'Would you like dinner?' 
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.  'What are my 
choices?'  John asked.  'Yes or no,' she replied.

  
  
  
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
  
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check 
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket 
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a 
beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
  
  
  
SMART ASS ANSWER #4

  
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock 
boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, 
they're dead.'

  
  
  
SMART ASS ANSWER #3

  
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding 
rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. 
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally 
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

  
  
  
SMART ASS ANSWER #2

  
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: 
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and 
his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police 
car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts 
his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I 
was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

  
  
  
SMART ASS ANSWER 
OF THE YEAR !

  
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might 
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death 
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A 
smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete 
and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and 
snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at 
the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have
to write the exam with your other hand.'

  
  
  
  A BONUS EXTRA

  
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy 
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat 
and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 
Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
 
 
Give Her The Finger?
 
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, 
who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the 
shoulder to avoid hitting her.  This evidently angered the driver enough 
that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger." 
Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.   I ALWAYS smile nicely 
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in 
traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.  That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper- to- bumper.
Most of the bumper- to- bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to- bumper, 
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.  
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers! 
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying 
or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have 
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry 
weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGL E DAY, I drive past at least one female 
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has 
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? 
I don't think so... 
 
 
 The Bowl of Chili
 
A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis,  SD.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, 
staring blankly at a full bowl of  chili.
  
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newbie rider 
bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
  
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the 
young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
    
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over 
and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead 
mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately 
barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
    
The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got too.'
 
 
 Case Dismissed! 
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.  She noticed the man 
opposite her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another 
seat.  This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. 
The man seemed more amused.  When on the fourth move, the man 
burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man 
arrested.  The case came up in court.  The judge asked the man 
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.  The man replied, 
'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I 
couldn't help but notice her condition.  She sat down under a sign 
that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.  Then 
she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will 
reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.  Then she placed herself 
under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' 
and I could hardly contain myself.  But, Your Honor, when she moved 
the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could 
have prevented this Accident!'... I just lost it.'  
Case dismissed!
 
 
Let Bygone's
 Be Bygone's
 
The rest of the world can not understand how, after bitter election 
campaigns, American politicians  can return to reality.
For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great State of Alaska, 
the two men who defeated her;  Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
She has scheduled a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and 
has hired two prominent men to  assist them.
Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted 
Kennedy will drive them back to their  cabins in the evening.
What a gal that Sarah!  She is such a good sport and thinks of 
everything.
 
 
Will I Live to see 80? 
 

Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive 
lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. 
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, ‘Do you 
think I'll live to be 80?' 
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' 
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or 
bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said. 
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 
'No,' I said. 
He looked at me and said ... 
 
'Then, why do you even give a shit'?
 
 
New Step-Mother 
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an
ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, 
she became his stepmother.
  
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
 
 For Those Who Love 
The Philosophy Of Ambiguity... 
 

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.   
  
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
  
3. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? 
  
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys 
 and apes? 
  
5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all 
 the bad girls live. 
  
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help 
 section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
  
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 
  
8. If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with 
 soap? 
  
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it 
 considered a hostage situation? 
  
10. Is there another word for synonym? 
  
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an 
 endangered plant?
  
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 
  
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
  
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? are they afraid 
 someone will clean them?
  
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 
  
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
  
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right 
 to remain silent? 
  
19. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  
20. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 
  
21. How is it possible to have a civil war? 
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 
  
23. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 
  
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
  
25. Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have "s" in it? 
  
26. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids? 
  
27. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 
  
28. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 
  
29. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times do they 
 become disoriented?
 
 
 Who's on First
 
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 
 "Who's on First?"  might have turned out something like this: 
 
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT 
 
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking 
 about buying a  computer. 
ABBOTT: Mac? 
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. 
ABBOTT: Your computer? 
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. 
ABBOTT: Mac? 
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. 
ABBOTT: What about Windows? 
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? 
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? 
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? 
ABBOTT: Wallpaper. 
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. 
ABBOTT: Software for Windows? 
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write 
 proposals, track  expenses and run my business. What do you have? 
ABBOTT: Office. 
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? 
ABBOTT: I just did. 
COSTELLO: You just did what? 
ABBOTT: Recommend something. 
COSTELLO: You recommended something? 
ABBOTT: Yes. 
COSTELLO: For my office? 
ABBOTT: Yes. 
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? 
ABBOTT: Office. 
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! 
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows 
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say 
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do 
 I need? 
ABBOTT: Word. 
COSTELLO: What word? 
ABBOTT: Word in Office. 
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. 
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. 
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? 
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". 
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with 
 some straight  answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You 
 have anything I can track my money  with? 
ABBOTT: Money. 
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? 
ABBOTT: Money. 
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? 
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. 
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? 
ABBOTT: Money. 
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? 
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. 
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? 
ABBOTT: One copy. 
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? 
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. 
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? 
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! 
(A few days later) 
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? 
ABBOTT: Click on "START"............. 
 

What Old People Do For Fun!

Shopping In Texas!